Cellphone Jokes

Every now and again Ill get texts, that are offensive funny, or just wrong all from different ppl. Thought I share.
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This sex, is sex, how sex, u sex, keep sex. a sex, dumb sex, ass sex, busy sex, for sex, 20 sex, seconds sex. Now read it  without the word "sex"

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A Hillbilly is f'n his sister and she stops and laughs
He asks whats so funny
she replys you F' like pa
he then laughs and says thats what ma said

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Sutieds shwo taht lal poelpe taht gvie gdoo heda cna udnaesrtn wtah hits ysas.

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I asked santa for a condom he gave me 2
I asked santa for a dollar ge have me five
I asked santa for a hoe and I got this number

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Have you heard, cops are looking for a supsect that is said to be good looking, funny, and great in bed. Your ugly ass is safe but where am I gonna hide.

lol nice man... i guess i give good head then, i understood what it said   lol...

haha wow well it's good to know nick, it's good to know how you make $$ to buy your cars,lol
and yeah this kidd from my work sends me sum that r pretty fu**ed up and he's sick in the head,lol and it never gets old to him
but i luv those, not gunna lie

haha those are good. I used to get alot of those

heres another one. a female police officer pulled over a man for dui. the female officer said everything will be held against you. the man yelled TITTIES!
 
i thought it was funny.

quote:

ORIGINAL: atown420

heres another one.
 
A female police officer pulled over a man for DUI. The female officer said everything you say will be held against you. The man yelled TITTIES!

i thought it was funny.

 
Horrible grammar :-D
 
GRAMMAR POLICIA!!

thats how it came in the text message sorry for the bad grammar.

My favorite one is
The average boob weighs approx. 7LBS.  Wonder what a Pu**Y weighs?  Go weigh yourself and text me back.

quote:

ORIGINAL: 1987 TSI

My favorite one is
The average boob weighs approx. 7LBS.  Wonder what a Pu**Y weighs?  Go weigh yourself and text me back.

 
OH S#!T!!!!!!!! ROTFLMAO!! Im sendin that one out right now!!

quote:

ORIGINAL: atown420

heres another one. a female police officer pulled over a man for dui. the female officer said everything will be held against you. the man yelled TITTIES!

i thought it was funny.

 
Sorry young I don't get it. Most female cops I seen are flat chested and/or look like buch dikes

quote:

ORIGINAL: PappiDread6

quote:

ORIGINAL: atown420

heres another one. a female police officer pulled over a man for dui. the female officer said everything will be held against you. the man yelled TITTIES!

i thought it was funny.

Sorry young I don't get it. Most female cops I seen are flat chested and/or look like buch dikes

 
Well since he got pulled over from a dui, hes probably to messed up to care lol.

I got 2 more
 
Hillary Clinton shaved her P\/$$`/ the nighte b4 the debate. She went up 2 the podium & said
"READ MY LIPS NO MORE BUSH!!"
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Do me a favor & text me right back. Just sype hi or something. My friends don't believe retards can use cell phones,but we'll show them.

hahah i like the one about hillary

Big bad Wolf told lil red riding hood lift ur top so I can suck ur ****. No she said while lifting her skirt, eat me like the f'n book says!
 
A rooster and a cat were playing by the pool. The cat falls in a and the roster laughs. The cat says a wet **** always makes a cock happy!
 
Girls have unique magic tircks. The get wet without water, bleed withought injury, and make boneless things hard.
 
MEN have 2 heads and WOMEN have 4 lips. The American Dental Association says semen cuts plaque and tartar by 77%. Suck a dick and save a smile...
 
If you have sex 365 times a year and you melted down all the condoms 2 make a tire what would you call it?
A F'N GOODYEAR!
 
Sex is like playing spades. If you don't have a good partner, u better have a good hand.

ROFLtitties, those are funny ash hell

i pretty much just sent those out to all my friends lol

those are HILARIOUS!

Yo dats sum HOE @$$ $#!T (really f'd up)

Valentines Day:
Flowers $20
Dinner $70
Movies $25
Drinks $30
Hotel $115
The Look on his face when you tell him your on your period......










Priceless

After 20 yrs of sex in the dar, a wife finds out her husband always used a dildo on her. She said explain the didlo fool. He said explain the kids bitch!

Hi, it's me your phone, I just wanted to get out of your pocket for a second the smell from your ass was ****in killing me.

roses are red, pickles are green
i love your legs and whats between
i like your style i like your class
but most of all i like your ass
im a cool girl, in a cool town
it takes a real mother ****er to put me down
kissing is a sport
****ing is a game
guys get all the pleasure
girls get all the pain
the guy says i love you
you belive its true
9 months later,
he says the hell with you
the baby is a bastard
the mother is a whore
all this wouldnt have happened
if the rubber wouldnt have torn
sex is when a guys comunication
enters a girls information
to increase the population
for a younger generation
do you get the information...
or do you need a demonstaration
roses are red
violets are corney,
when i think of you
ohh baby i get horney,
eat me,
beat me,
bite me,
blow me,
suck me,
**** me,
very slowly,
if you kiss me
dont me sassy,
use your tounge
and make it nasty!!!!

How 2 impress a girl: Kiss her, Love her, Protect her, Listen to her, & support her.

How 2 impress a guy: arrive naked with beer!
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Cinderella was fired from Disney today, she was found bouncing on pinnochio's face screaming "LIE MOTHERF'ER LIE!!"
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I want to go down on you and make you feel really good, then I want to slowy climb back up and F*** YOU HARD!

What am I?

Official Canadian Beer Study
Beer Study,
Scientist for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beef, men should take a look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive and failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize.

No Further testing is planned
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Bad day
The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:
You are a Siamese Twin
Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay
You are not.
He has a date coming over tonight
You only have one poop shoot
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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair while her dad gets his hair cut eating a snack cake. The barber says to her "Sweetheart you're going to get hair on your Twinkie" She says "Yes, I know, Im going to get boobs too"

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth.
'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.
Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds... and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you.

A blond was speeding down the road when she was pulled over by a police woman who was also a blond and asked the driver for her drivers license. The driver looked through her purse for a minuet or so and got more and more agitated.

"What dose it look like?" she asked, "It's kinda square and has your picture on it" said the police woman.

The driver found a small square mirror, looked into it and handed it to the officer, the officer looked into it, handed it back and said...

"OK, you can go, I didn't know you were a cop."
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What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a wife?

A prostitute says, "Done yet?"
A nympho says, "Done already?"
And a wife says, "Beige! I think I'll paint the ceiling beige!"